[Promotum] How To Dodge Religious Solicitors from The Door

[Edmund A. Hintz]

Brooke gets credit for this:


How To Dodge Religious Solicitors from The Door, a Christian magazine,
excerpted in Utne Reader

1. Listen for a minute or two with a polite but puzzled expression and 
then
speak in a foreign language. Better yet, make one up. Brand names for
electronic components serve as an excellent base for an impromptu 
language.
I've found the following bit to be an excellent opener: "Fritzen mitsuba
micht sony leam spartinza. Nakamichi shpont olufsen takamine. Cheloken 
eraza
fleecht?"

2. Before you open the door, put on a pair of Groucho glasses and pour 
some
Pine Sol in a coffee cup. Then atttempt to engage them in a serious 
debate,
spreading Pine Sol fumes by blowing occasionally into the cup as if you 
are
cooling it. See how long you can hold them. Try to remember not to drink 
out
of the cup.

3. Pretend to be deaf. Point to your ears, shake your head, and make
intricate movements with your fingers and hands. This can backfire if they
happen to know sign language. In that case switch to being blind.

4. Interrupt every sentence with a long, rambling, and totally pointless
story. Try to work in your latest medical difficulty, especially if it
involved surgery or hemorrhoids. Other topics to touch on are flatulent
dogs, copy-machine repairmen, spatulas, hypoallergenic deodorants,
mah-johgg, asbestos, persistent nose hair, 900-number psychic lines, and
genetically engineered vegetables. Extra points if you can get three or 
more
of these topics into one sentence.

5. Tell them you are a druid. This is much more convincing if you live in
an oak grove and paint yourself blue.

6. Ask them if they are from the health board about the hepatitis
quarantine. Offer them a sip of your coffee.

7. Offer them $25 to talk to your neighbors instead. Give them the money 
in
loose pennies.

8. Tell them you are not allowed to talk to strangers until the assault
case has come to trial. More effective if you come to the door with a 
knife
or baseball bat.

9. Insist that you graduated from high school with them. In an effort to
jog their memory, recount various escapades you joined them in. Refuse to 
be
dissuaded from this conviction. This is more effective if there is a
dramatic difference in your ages.

10. Using a cordless phone, call someone you haven't talked to for a 
while.
Then go to the door and make gestures like you'll only be a minute. See 
how
long they stay. My best record is 10 minutes. 



Peace,

Edmund A. Hintz              **|**     "You may say I'm a dreamer,
Mac Techie, Unix Geek,      *  |  *      But I'm not the only one...
Mac/Unix Consultant        *  /|\  *     I hope someday you'll join us,
<ed@hintz.org>              */ | \*      And the world will live as one.
'78 Westy                    *****      Imagine."
                     http://www.hintz.org