[Promotum] Christmas Contract Renegotiation

[Edmund A. Hintz]

Thanks to Squirrel Bait for this one:

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A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the
following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a
few differences between us...

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!"
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as
well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on
the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs that have been sung about me
like"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is
Coming to Town" will be different. This year songs about Bubba Claus
will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song
titles will be:

Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I
Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s
"If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.



Peace,

Edmund A. Hintz              **|**     "You may say I'm a dreamer,
Mac Techie, Unix Geek,      *  |  *      But I'm not the only one...
Mac/Unix Consultant        *  /|\  *     I hope someday you'll join us,
<ed@hintz.org>              */ | \*      And the world will live as one.
'78 Westy                    *****      Imagine."
                     http://www.hintz.org