[Promotum] Air Traffic Control jokes

[Ed Hintz]

With this sort of thing the line between urban legend and fact can get a
bit blurry, but it's bloody funny regardless so what the hell... As far
as I know they're true but YMMV.

-=-

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US
Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew
responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the
irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at
LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

***

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

***

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f---ing bored!" Air Traffic Control: "Last
aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft:
"I said I was f---ing bored, not f---ing stupid!"

***

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern
and we've already notified our caterers."

***

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign, Speedbird
206: Speed bird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
of the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your
gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and
slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,
haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes,
I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop
something off. I didn't stop."

***

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always
wanted to say this ... I've got that Fokker in sight."

***

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start
clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a
beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

***

Allegedly true but totally unconfirmed: A C-124 and an F-4 are on
intersecting taxiways at Rhein-Main. The F-4 driver radios Ground and
asks, "What are the Globemaster's intentions?" The C-124 pilot opens the
nose doors and says, "I"m going to eat you."



Peace,

Edmund A. Hintz              **|**     "You may say I'm a dreamer,
Mac Techie, Unix Geek,      *  |  *      But I'm not the only one...
Mac/Unix Consultant        *  /|\  *     I hope someday you'll join us,
<ed@hintz.org>              */ | \*      And the world will live as one.
'78 Westy                    *****      Imagine."
                     http://www.hintz.org