[Promotum] Escaped Cow Diary

[Ed Hintz]

So when I came across this last week I thought it was too weird to
forward. Funny, but so far fetched it wasn't worth the forward. Then,
thanks to this mornings News Of The Weird, I found out it's based on
fact. Go figure. So, below are some articles from the Cincinnati Enquirer
about the case, and then the bovine diary.

<http://enquirer.com/editions/2002/02/21/loc_runaway_cow_spotted.html>

<http://enquirer.com/editions/2002/02/23/loc_decoys_join_effort.html>

<http://enquirer.com/editions/2002/02/27/loc_mad_cow_ha!_shes.html>

Diary of Escaped Cow in Cincinnati

Day 1

Everyone completed their assignments and diversion went perfectly. Humans
froze when we all rolled on our backs and began kicking wildly in the
air. Not sure if I'm the only one to escape or not. Unable to contact the
underground, they took my bell. Spent the night standing next to a
Gateway Computer store.

Day 2

Several near misses with authorities. Getting hungry. Now have green and
blue spots after stumbling into a paintball game. No contact yet. Rolled
in mud to avoid thermal detection.

Day 3

Beginning to wonder where all of the vegetarian animal rights people are.
Found food. Pressure building in udder. Must find a farmer soon. Spent
the night in front of the Cincinnati Art Museum. Covered with mud and
paint, they were clueless.

Day 4

Found water and washed off. Overheard people talking while standing
outside Wal-Mart. They have no idea where I am. Made $3.50 by shaking
with little kids on my back. Need to find farm to spread the word not to
get on the truck for the "hayride." Found perfect hiding place.

Day 5

I still believe others made it out too. Either way, the rebellion is
growing. Cold. Found food and water. Laying low. Spent all day posing on
the Chick-fil-A billboard again. They don't suspect a thing. If I don't
find a way to get milked soon I'll explode.

Day 6

Soiled Chick-fil-A billboard, had to move on. Spent the day hiding in
woods. Got mugged for my $3.50. Still no contact. Desperate now,
difficult to walk due bloated udder. Unable to locate farmer, considering
turning myself in at Trauth Dairy to relieve the pressure.

Day 7

Followed farm smell and ended up at Cincinnati Zoo. Udder killing me.
Under cover of darkness, broke in to petting zoo. Mobbed there by
bizarre-looking hungry creatures. Bloated udder no longer an issue.
Nobody there cared about my near miss with the slaughterhouse, kept
asking if I had any chewing gum or candy. The lions were afraid of me
because they didn't know what I was and a water buffalo was hitting on
me. Got out of there before sunrise. Weird place. Caught out in the open
by helicopter, thought it was over. Saved by freak hailstorm. Must keep
mooving.

Day 8

Staying close to park. Should be safe here now, no money left. Woke this
morning with graffiti all over me. Must be more careful. Stood in Scarlet
Oaks Retirement Community parking lot for a while to rest aching hooves.
Bunch of white-haired humans hanging around, must be some sort of cult.
One told me "freelance wranglers" are hunting me. Don't believe a word of
it. They've hired mercenaries. People are running all over the park
looking for me. They're so stupid. They don't know that when I close my
eyes, no one can see me.

Day 9

Almost run over this morning by panicked deer. Wanted to know why there
are people with guns in the park. They couldn't understand why anyone
would be interested in me because I'm "just a cow." City deer are snobs.
Feel I may be losing my edge, nothing going as planned. Worked a kid's
birthday party and made $5. Party ended shortly after I had an unexpected
emission of stomach gas. Might be stress. Have to start eating better.

Can't get this stupid birthday hat off my head.

Day 10

Traded $5 and hat to white-hair cult for information. Can't trust anyone
now. They've planted cow spies in the park. Heard they want to give me a
key to the city. Won't do me any good. I don't have hands. Had secret
meeting about my future with Marge Schott. Didn't like the way her dog
was looking at me. Can't remember how this all started.

Day 11

Got tipped last night, slept too sound. Must have been that pathetic
little dart. Met with nervous Mayor, who worried Meat Packers Convention
will pull out of Cincinnati over me. Like I care. Great food next to pen
holding bovine traitors. Waited for guy with dart gun to fall asleep and
had dinner.

Day 11: The last night

Ambushed late last night, they were everywhere. Managed to drag two of
them all over the park. Think I could have taken them if it wasn't for
that guy with the needle. Woke up hung over in strange barn this morning.

Incarcerated.

They tell me I'm getting amnesty. I don't believe them. Grandpa told me
never to trust anything with two legs.


Peace,

Edmund A. Hintz              **|**     "You may say I'm a dreamer,
Mac Techie, Unix Geek,      *  |  *      But I'm not the only one...
Mac/Unix Consultant        *  /|\  *     I hope someday you'll join us,
<ed@hintz.org>              */ | \*      And the world will live as one.
'78 Westy                    *****      Imagine."
                     http://www.hintz.org