[Promotum] French battle Taliban

[Ed Hintz]

Thanks to Rob H. by way of Brooke for this one. Unknown where it
originates, did not see it on either the Onion or SatireWire. 


French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince
 Taliban of Non-Existence of God

 The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies
 revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist
 philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taleban zealots
 by proving the nonexistence of God. Elements from the feared Jean-
 Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the
 combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie
 among the enemy.

 Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long
 occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to establish
 a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines.
 There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd
 nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be
 accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who
 will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers'
 ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to
 everyone else.

 Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of
 his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate
 Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black
 pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in
 a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can
 prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."

 Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's
 nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work
 of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However,
 humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation
 as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from
 the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on
 civilians in the area.

 Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute
 to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into
 Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of
 the universe.

 This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the
 Allies to undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the
 Taliban's fighting spirit. Pentagon sources have recently confirmed
 rumours that America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot
 Jesus, which roams the Taliban front lines glowing eerily and shooting
 flames out of its fingers while saying, "I am the way, the truth, and the
 life. Follow me or die." 



Peace,

Edmund A. Hintz              **|**     "You may say I'm a dreamer,
Mac Techie, Unix Geek,      *  |  *      But I'm not the only one...
Mac/Unix Consultant        *  /|\  *     I hope someday you'll join us,
<ed@hintz.org>              */ | \*      And the world will live as one.
'78 Westy                    *****      Imagine."
                     http://www.hintz.org